Felber's Concession Speach

[wbtfg]

I know it's long, but it's worth it....FUNNY

[Former candidate Felber, flanked by his family and supporters, steps up to the podium in the bright autumn sunlight. Cheers and applause are heard.]



My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and spoken with a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession. [Boos, groans, rending of garments]



I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people. Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue, You saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That's really special. And I mean "special" in the sense that we use it to describe those kids who ride the short school bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating pudding with rubber spoons. That kind of special.



I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's pretty powerful stuff, and I didn't see it. So let me take a moment to congratulate the President's strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on the ballot in various swing states like Ohio... well, that was just genius. Genius. It got people, a certain kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number of folks who showed up and cited "moral values" as their biggest issue, those people changed history. The folks who consider same sex marriage a more important issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy... Who'd have thought the election would belong to them? Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that. [Boos.] Now, now. Give credit where it's due.



I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With 8 out of 10 of you opposing the President, with your friends and classmates dying daily in a war you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to pay for rich old peoples' tax breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your asses and watch the Cartoon Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted with the exact same anemic percentage that you did in 2000. You suck. Seriously, y'do. [Cheers, applause] Thank you. Thank you very much.



There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the time for healing, to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a little story. Last night, I watched the returns come in with some friends here in Los Angeles. As the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriously about secession, a red state / blue state split. The reasoning was this: We in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states receive the majority of the money from those taxes while complaining about 'em. We in the blue states are the only ones who've been attacked by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to fight a war in our name. We in the blue states produce the entertainment that you consume so greedily each day, while you in the red states show open disdain for us and our values. Blue state civilians are the actual victims and targets of the war on terror, while red state civilians are the ones standing behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah!? Bring it on!" More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am.



Your sons and daughters who might die in this war know it's not true, the people in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it's not true, but those of you who are at practically no risk believe this easy lie because you can. As part of my concession speech, let me say that I really envy that luxury. I concede that.



Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who subsidize you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms about the heartland of America while that heartland insults and excoriates us... we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear. And you refused to give it to us, largely because of your high moral values. You knew better: America doesn't need its allies, doesn't need to share the burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't need to provide for its future. Hell no. Not when it's got a human shield of pointy-headed, atheistic, unconfrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that we can never have. Because we're "morally inferior," I suppose, we are supposed to respect your values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is that for 20 years, we've done just that.

It's not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the same.



Being an independent candidate gives me one luxury - as well as conceding the election today, I am also announcing my candidacy for President in 2008. [Wild applause, screams, chants of "Fel-ber! Fel-ber!] Thank you.



And I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next time, there will be no pandering. This time I will run with all the open and joking contempt for my opponents that our President demonstrated towards the cradle of liberty, the Ivy League intellectuals, the "media elite," and the "white-wine sippers." This time I will not pretend that the simple folk of America know just as much as the people who devote their lives to serving and studying the nation and the world. They don't. So that's why I'm asking for your vote in 2008, America. I'm talking to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred drones, you redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped grade-school grads. Vote for me, because I know better, and I truly believe that I can help your smug, sorry asses. Vote Felber in '08! Thank you, and may God, if he does in fact exist, bless each and every one of you.

['93HonoluluCat]

I think I've got a pretty good sense of humor, but this doesn't sound funny. It rather sounds slanderous and short-sighted.

[velochat]

That is funny, and we're going to have a rich pool for satire in the next few years. Jon Stewart will find easy pickings. It's true, we need independent parties, because the 2 big ones rarely dare tell the truth.

In order to keep the humor thing going:

Amazon.com: What's the closest parallel from American history to this year's race?

Stewart: In 1898, the United States was considering liberating the democracy-hungry people of Cuba from the clutches of the Spanish Empire. Though most Americans opposed invading Cuba, public opinion swayed when sensationalist news outlets reported that the U.S. battleship Maine was sunk by mysterious Spanish saboteurs, quickly dubbed "War-hombres de Mucho Destrucción." In truth, the sinking of the Maine likely resulted from some kind of accident in the ship's gunpowder magazine or cigarette lounge, and the so-called "WMDs" probably never existed. That didn't stop President McKinley from asking Congress to declare war on Spain and its mustachioed king, Alfonso "Saddam" XIII. Spain was promptly defeated, setting the stage for the election of 1900. Though the Republican McKinley was criticized for transforming the United States into an imperial power, he won back the voters when he donned an engineer's uniform and was catapulted onto a moving locomotive, with a banner reading, "Task Achieved!"

Amazon.com: What is the most important lesson from President Bush's term so far?

Stewart: It is impossible to narrow down the lessons we've learned from the first term of President George W. Bush. Among them: A strong America requires strong leadership; America is a great country with a steely resolve; we are a good and caring and compassionate nation; Americans are a freedom-loving people; reforms for education and Medicare are on the way; the world is a better place without Saddam Hussein; and--perhaps most importantly--marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman. Then again, we might just be repeating things we may have heard once or twice in speeches.

Amazon.com: What would a Kerry administration mean?

Stewart: JOHN KERRY PLANS TO RAISE TAXES ON OUR TROOPS IN ORDER TO SUBSIDIZE FREE, GAY HEALTH CARE FOR TRIAL LAWYERS AND TERRORISTS.... THEN ABRUPTLY SWITCH TO THE OPPOSITE COURSE.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/fe ... 06-4545553