A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of
night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating,and
you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of
my car?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and
said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or spend twenty years in jail?'"
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know . . . I
would have gotten out today."
THE BAD PARROT
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word from his beak was obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried to change the bird’s attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example.
Nothing worked.
Finally, John yelled at the bird. The bird yelled back. John shook the bird and the parrot got even ruder. In a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the refrigerator freezer.
For a few moments John heard the parrot squawk and scream and suddenly there was silence. Not a peep for over a minute.
Fearing that he had hurt the bird, he quickly opened the door to the freezer. Out stepped the parrot into John’s outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry and will do anything and everything to correct my poor behavior."
John was astonished by the parrot’s change in attitude. As he was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change in behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
A woman takes her boyfriend home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "Okay, how much?"
Boy - "$25.00"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the man are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes it is." Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$75.00" Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$100.00"
The father says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that stuff again."
It seems that these three iron workers where having lunch one day upon a thirty story building and the Mexican said, "If I get one more lunch with burritos in it I am going to jump off this building." The Irishman said, "If I get one more lunch with sauerkraut in it I am going to jump off this building." Then the Redneck said, "I guess if I get one more lunch with spam in it I am going to jump." The next day the Mexican opened his lunch and jumped. The Irishman did the same. The Redneck looked a little puzzled but opened his lunch and then jumped. At the funeral the Mexican's wife while talking to the other two wives said, "If I knew that Carlos didn't like burritos in his lunch I would have given him beef sandwiches." The Irishman's' wife said, "If I had only known, I would have given him anything he wanted." The Rednecks wife said, "Don't look at me, he fixed his own lunch."
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Fred was over at the preacher's house one day and noticed this fine looking horse. He commented on what a fine horse he was and the preacher said, "Fred you can have him because you have been such a help in the church. He is a religious horse and to get him to go you say"Praise The Lord." To get him to stop say " Let us pray." Well on the way home Fred had a little trouble remembering the commands and after a while got the horse up to full speed and felt pretty good about his feat of remembering the command to go. Then he saw the edge of the clif close to his home coming up and started pulling on the reins to no avail. He tryed yelling YOW and that didn't work. He was getting scared, then he remembered that the command to stop was "Let us Pray". So he yelled "Let us Pray." The horse stopped just at the edge of the clif with no room to spare on a slppery surface. Fred looked up at the heavens and said "Praise the Lord."
Courtesy of Chuck Rafferty----------------------------------------------------------------
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A marriage counselor was asking a woman some questions about her disposition. "Did you wake up grumpy this morning?" he asked. No, replied the woman, "I just let him sleep."--------------------------------------------------
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Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" "I have." replyed Joe. Joe pulled it out and stared at it. Then said "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I know where my hearing aid is."
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