Letter to Red States

[SonomaCat]

Here's my chain email contribution of the day. Kind of funny (but lest anyone assume otherwise, this isn't my endorsement of a real split in the U.S. -- it's just a politically-based joke).


Dear Red States:
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and antiwar, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools . . .Princeton, Harvard, Yale, Stanford, CalTech and MIT (you get the idea).

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too.
You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,
the happy citizens of
New California.

[grizbeer]

Good riddance and don't come back.

[gtapp]

Please wait until I move out of Minnesota!

[SonomaCat]

Especially since we know how strict the immigration laws would surely be!

[Cat-theotherwhitemeat]

I'm running for Gov'nor of New California. I'll need a staff.....hmmmm

[Hell's Bells]

Good riddance and don't come back.

would not last long...most army bases are in the south and since according to the letter this "new california" is going to be anti war-sucks to be you lol

just one question: how would this new california deal with an invasion?

[mquast53000]

At least we wouldn’t have to deal with anymore Kennedys, Clintons and actors turned politicians.

Where would all of the California natives move too if Idaho and Montana were off limits?

[Hell's Bells]

At least we wouldn’t have to deal with anymore Kennedys, Clintons and actors turned politicians.

Where would all of the California natives move too if Idaho and Montana were off limits?

two words: northern california. make everyone there move down south and more play area for the rich libs

[SonomaCat]

Good riddance and don't come back.

would not last long...most army bases are in the south and since according to the letter this "new california" is going to be anti war-sucks to be you lol

just one question: how would this new california deal with an invasion?

Who's going to pay for all of those bases (and buy the technology from the R&D centers in the Nuevo CA) when the tax base is gone?

You can be antiwar and still have a kickass standing army (guarding the border with Red America, I guess). The San Diego area alone pretty much covers that need for Nuevo. They just wouldn't need to invade anyone else.

[SonomaCat]

At least we wouldn’t have to deal with anymore Kennedys, Clintons and actors turned politicians.

Yeah, I guess the rant writer forgot about Reagan and Arnold.

[mquast53000]

At least we wouldn’t have to deal with anymore Kennedys, Clintons and actors turned politicians.

Yeah, I guess the rant writer forgot about Reagan and Arnold.

Hey don’t forget Jesse the Body Ventura and Sonny Bono

We sure would miss the likes of all those politicians!

[SonomaCat]

Good point. Hmmm. Why are all of the entertainer types who make it as politicians always on the more conservative side of the spectrum? Seriously... that's kind of strange. Must be the crossover appeal.

[grizbeer]

Good riddance and don't come back.

would not last long...most army bases are in the south and since according to the letter this "new california" is going to be anti war-sucks to be you lol

just one question: how would this new california deal with an invasion?

Who's going to pay for all of those bases (and buy the technology from the R&D centers in the Nuevo CA) when the tax base is gone?

You can be antiwar and still have a kickass standing army (guarding the border with Red America, I guess). The San Diego area alone pretty much covers that need for Nuevo. They just wouldn't need to invade anyone else.

Do you suppose the Blue republic will be like that bumper sticker and your schools will have unlimited funding but your air force will hold bake sales to buy bombers? BTW aren't all those bombers and fighter jets built in Red states of Texas and Missouri?

Don't worry about our economy and tax base, after the Blue states are gone Red states will restart the logging and mining industries, and grow crops instead of CRP.

[SonomaCat]

But if the country was antiwar, it wouldn't need bombers -- just some good defensive weapons to hoard off the Red as it depleted all of its natural resources through mining and logging and renewed its Manifest Destiny pursuit of new land to exploit.

Viva la Nuevo!

[grizbeer]

But if the country was antiwar, it wouldn't need bombers -- just some good defensive weapons to hoard off the Red as it depleted all of its natural resources through mining and logging and renewed its Manifest Destiny pursuit of new land to exploit.

Viva la Nuevo!

Defensive weapons like say a space based defense system? remember though it was all Blue states that were attacked on 911, so you might want to see if your buddies in France will sell you some of their fine fighter jets. Curious if you guys will still be taking out the hydro dams in Washington State after we shut off the supply of natural gas for your generating facilities (it will be nice to have low power and gas bills again ) You think California would be willing to export a little of the crude they produce to their brother blue nations? I suppose we could balance the red budget by selling some of that new ANWAR oil.

[SonomaCat]

Yeah, it's looking more and more like the antiwar thing will have to be abandoned eventually as Alaska will surely need to be "liberated" from the red. They will welcome Nuevo with open arms (especially the gay dudes, who will suffer greatly under red rule) in Anchorage, and then Nuevo can secure ANWR and the Freedom Oil Pipeline that should be in place by then. And, since it is already tapped, the oil just as well be used by Nuevo for their strategic purposes.

The reds would be having a hard time moving the oil down to the mainland anyway, as Canada is clearly aligned with Nuevo and won't allow a pipeline through it and there is no sea access without travelling all the way to the Panama canal and up to Florida.

[SonomaCat]

Of course, the biggest problem that will threaten Nuevo's economy and culture is the insideous issue of illegal immigration from red. The borders must be secured, lest the reds sneak in and steal jobs from the hard-working locals. I just hope I get grandfathered in with dual citizenship or something.

[Hell's Bells]

But if the country was antiwar, it wouldn't need bombers -- just some good defensive weapons to hoard off the Red as it depleted all of its natural resources through mining and logging and renewed its Manifest Destiny pursuit of new land to exploit.

Viva la Nuevo!

how soon do you forget about our bases in colorado, georgia, florida, the dakotas, montana, wyoming, utah...*sorry having cramps right now cant type any more but there is a lot more bases here in meat eatn red state america.

hmmm b2 bomber....red state airplane *secret facility in NEVADA
as well as everything else developed and currently being developed in area 51...cant list them here because they are secret

and btw grizbeer...enjoying your new nucler energy! man this stuff is plentiful and cheep

btw i wonder if there would be any oil drilling in california? i doubt they would allow it...texas would be importing oil to california

also we red staters would have an interesting program called *oil for illegals* set up with mexico and therefore...be awash in oil

[grizbeer]

News from our silly friends in Nuevo:
1) The unprovoked Nuevo invasion of Alaska has failed. Apparently when the Rainbow warriors were approaching the Alaska coast they spotted a baby seal being attacked by an orca whale and broke off the attack to save the seal. In the process of saving the seal the orca sunk their boat. One person who saw the failed attacked commented: those Dumb asses. That was some funny ******. It is unclear if Nuevo will attempt another attack, since they don't have enough fuel to waste to send another ship up.

In response to the invasion the Okanogan area of British Columbia and the provinces of Alberta and Sasketewan have broken off diplomatic relationships with the Nuevo States, and joined the Red states in the new United States. The new Unites States now control nearly all of the oil and power production in North America, as well as all major River systems in the country except the Upper Mississippi. A western British Columbia official remarked “we thought about joining as well, but we make too damn much money selling the Nuevo people pot – we just can’t give it up”.

2) The food shortage in the Nuevo states has grown worse. The food shortage is the result of numerous Nuevo laws, including outlawing the eating of meat due to granting all animals, including fish, the same rights as humans, outlawing the use of fertilizer and genetically modified crops, destroying all dams, reservoirs, irrigation canals, and other man-made waterways designed for irrigation, and outlawing the use of water for irrigating crops, and removing incentives and farm subsidies. The problem was exasperated by a late freeze this year which destroyed many of the remaining crops. One Nuevo official commented “I think the food situation will improve over the next few years. Our global warming model predicts the temperature will increase by 3 degrees over the next 100 years, and that should push the frost date back by at least 2 hours”.

3) Michigan will vote this week on rejoining the United States. Since breaking from the Union Michigan has been racked with unemployment. Said one Michigan official “I don’t know what the f%^k we were thinking – we knew people in the Nuevo states don’t buy American made cars”. The lack of demand in Nuevo for American made cars, combined with new labor regulations that guarantee all workers 5 weeks of vacation per year to be in compliance with the WTO trade rules imposed by the French and Germans, the new minimum “Living Wage” laws increased the minimum wage to $18/hour and required all employers to pay the entire cost of health insurance for the government run health care system (media and entertainment industries, as well as government are exempt from these new laws, of course).

4) The Nuevo economy is struggling to comply with the condition they agreed to after signing the Kyoto treaty. A puzzled Nuevo official commented “who would have thought this treaty would actually impact our economy – we never saw this coming”. An official from France laughed and said “those idiots – didn’t they realize we get 80% of our power from Nuclear sources, so this really doesn’t impact France?” His Chinese counterpart was nearly giddy in exclaiming ‘of course we never thought they would go for it – we are exempt from the treaty, and now these silly Nuevo people will have to buy everything from us.” A Russian official nodded in agreement “yea, we signed the treaty, but we never had any intention of being held to the treaty. And how is going to make us?”

5) The housing shortage in Nuevo has grown worse as no new houses have been permitted in years. Said one Nuevo official ‘Even if we did allow a new development, which isn’t going to happen, we don’t have any wood to frame the house, since we outlawed logging. We are even running low on recycled cardboard for the people living under bridges.”

[El_Gato]