oathes of enlistment - funny

[briannell]

OATHS OF ENLISTMENT



All persons, upon entering Military Service and upon reenlistment, are required
to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time, the Oath of Enlistment was the
same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing
Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been
specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific
function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently
released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff:



US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT



"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES
ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air
Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me becasue
I can't swim. I will wear camouflage everyday and tuck my trousers into my
boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear
my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell
myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I
am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court-Martial for
sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year
of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT
test. After completion of my Sexual....er....I mean "Basic Training", I will
attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I
did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Ca
mp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I
will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a
better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue
to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while
getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work everday at 1000
hrs. because of morning PT and leave 1300 to report back to "COMPANY". I
understand that I will undergo no training what so ever that will help me get a
job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from
high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for
college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So
help Me God!"



________________ Signature



________________ Date



US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT



"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life
to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with the Marines without
actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too
"Corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and
because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes
that went out of syle in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every
pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor
Man during the summer, and for a Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will
strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world,
using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, gee dunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle, and
head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall
and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank,
and insignia, and everything else for that mat
ter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no
sense what so ever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning
unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around
0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand
up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I
consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal
year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself
to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So
help Me Neptune!"



_______________ Signature



_______________ Date



US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT



"I, (pick a name the police won't reconize),
swear...uhhh...high-and-tight..grunt..cammies..kill...fix...bayonets..charge..slash..dig..turn..blowup...ugh..Air
Force women..beer..sailors wives..air strikes..yes SIR!...whiskey...liberty
call..salute..Ooorah Gunny..grenades..women..OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"



xx____________ Thumb Print



xx____________ Teeth marks



______________ Date






US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT



"I (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES
AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines
frighten me, and because I am afraid of wate over waist-deep. I swear to sit
behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to
defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk
around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy
the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me
and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After
completion of "Basic Training", I will be lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy
sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am
superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife befor stabbing
the next person in the back. I will anooy those around me, and will go home
early every day. So help me God!"



______________ Signature



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